On the Loss no one wants to discuss
Editor’s note. Because of the very sensitive nature of this post, comments will be watched carefully. Please remember your compassion before commenting.
By Anonymous
I am a mother but I have no child. I don’t tell people about my loss and I don’t know if I ever really will.
When I think about my baby my feelings are deeply sorrowful and guilty. And ashamed.
You see, I had an abortion. I am a mother with no child because my child is dead… and I bear the guilt for it.
I’ve repented and been absolved. I’ve grown up more and gotten married. And yet I’ve never gotten over or moved past the loss of my baby. And I’ve never had another child.
As much as I yearn and pray for a baby, my arms are empty and our house is far too quiet. I can’t help but feel like my terrible mistake is playing out in our childless marriage.
This is a secret shame. My family doesn’t know, my church doesn’t know, and my friends don’t know. I was so afraid of giving up the appearance of being the good girl that this felt like the best decision. Until it was too late. I’ve spent the rest of my life regretting it.
I grew up in the church. I attended Sunday School and youth group. I went to Bible Studies and I had a WWJD bracelet. I grew up wanting to be a mommy and wanting a family. But when I found myself expecting a baby and not being married it wasn’t what I wanted. I also realized that I wanted my parents to be proud of me and my church to keep loving me and it felt like a baby out of marriage would ruin that. That a baby would ruin me. At that time that felt bigger than the awfulness of having an abortion. I told myself that it would just make it all go away.
I had an abortion. I am a mother, but I have no child. I have arms that are empty and a heart that breaks. I have been forgiven but I don’t know how to forgive myself.
Please, if you are in the position I was in, don’t choose the choice I made. It’s one I can never take back, but this is a burden you don’t have to face.
6 Comments
Debra
Dear Sister-
The blessed truth is that you are already forgiven— wholly. I encourage you to make an appointment for private confession and absolution with your Pastor today. If he isn’t in the practice of offering it, there is a page in our LSB that lays it all out. Ask him to vest and set-up communion for you. He will comply. Forgiving yourself is a foreign concept. Our flesh and our enemy will constantly remind us we stand accused. Go and hear the voice of Christ, himself, pronounce your forgiveness and feed it to you from His hand. That way, when your conscience is burdened, you will have the tangible sacrament you can recount. It is yours already, in Christ Jesus! The Peace of Christ be with you!
Guillaume Williams
This indeed is a sad thing and a heavy burden to bear. But she doesn’t have to bear it anymore.
The author says, ” I have been forgiven but I don’t know how to forgive myself.” But she also says the Church doesn’t know about it. Has she gone to her pastor, confessed her sin and received absolution from him as from Christ himself? If not, I cannot but highly commend her to the ear of her pastor. There she will find the forgiveness and life she is looking for.
She says she does not know how to forgive herself. Good news! No where in the Scriptures does it ever say we have to forgive ourselves or can. The only forgiveness we need is from Jesus. He wants nothing more than to give it to her. It is the focusing in on Jesus’ forgiveness which we receive from the mouth of the pastor in absolution, along with his Biblical counsel and the forgiveness placed into her mouth with the body and blood of Jesus in the Sacrament that all other forgiveness sought becomes moot.
Then there is simply living out the life she has in Christ Jesus in whatever vocations she is called to in her life. If children are a vocation she seems empty in, I suggest finding a working single mother who needs childcare and offering her life free of charge and find some fulfillment there until the Lord chooses another way.
The peace of Christ be with you.
cheryl charron
hard to comment…but i had had 2 abortions…i know i am forgiven but the burden is difficult…i only have God’s grace to uphold me
Sheryl Eby
please look up Mrs. Katie Schuerman’s blog and book, “He Remembers the Barren”. She uses our Lutheran faith and biblical principles to help us heal from these painful experiences. Through God’s love may everyone know peace.
Heather
I’m so sorry for your loss. We love you as your sisters in Christ.
Becky
I share in this with you. Thank you and God bless you for sharing and your honesty. I heard one minister say “it’s (abortion) the best kept secret in the church” which if you look at the numbers of abortions it is staggering.
I do believe and accept God’s forgiveness through the blood of Jesus. He paid the price. But I also know what it is to carry that loss and grief. I don’t think that part goes away, but it might look and feel different over time.
This was more clear after losing my beloved Mother to cancer almost two years ago. I realized that ache and loss will always be there, but that there will be a reunion some day. There is comfort in our baptism into Christ, our forgiveness in the shed blood and receiving that in confession, word and sacrament. I am new to some of this, so still learning what it means, but I wanted to reach out and thank you. I also grew up as a Christian and yet made this awful “choice”. Jesus said, “come to me all you who are heavy laden” Also I have seen that I am a poor and wretched sinner come to Christ and we all are. It may be different choices, consequences, etc. but it is the sinful Adam nature we are born with Thanks be to God for our forgiveness