I am a mother but I have no child. I don’t tell people about my loss and I don’t know if I ever really will.
When I think about my baby my feelings are deeply sorrowful and guilty. And ashamed.
You see, I had an abortion. I am a mother with no child because my child is dead… and I bear the guilt for it.
I’ve repented and been absolved. I’ve grown up more and gotten married. And yet I’ve never gotten over or moved past the loss of my baby. And I’ve never had another child.
As much as I yearn and pray for a baby, my arms are empty and our house is far too quiet. I can’t help but feel like my terrible mistake is playing out in our childless marriage.
This is a secret shame. My family doesn’t know, my church doesn’t know, and my friends don’t know. I was so afraid of giving up the appearance of being the good girl that this felt like the best decision. Until it was too late. I’ve spent the rest of my life regretting it.
I grew up in the church. I attended Sunday School and youth group. I went to Bible Studies and I had a WWJD bracelet. I grew up wanting to be a mommy and wanting a family. But when I found myself expecting a baby and not being married it wasn’t what I wanted. I also realized that I wanted my parents to be proud of me and my church to keep loving me and it felt like a baby out of marriage would ruin that. That a baby would ruin me. At that time that felt bigger than the awfulness of having an abortion. I told myself that it would just make it all go away.
I had an abortion. I am a mother, but I have no child. I have arms that are empty and a heart that breaks. I have been forgiven but I don’t know how to forgive myself.
Please, if you are in the position I was in, don’t choose the choice I made. It’s one I can never take back, but this is a burden you don’t have to face.