To the Mother of Little Boys
By Allison Hull
Coming back from my parent’s house I’ve come to realize that the life of a mom with boys is infinitely different from others. Now that I have 4 and my littlest is getting more of a personality I feel like I’ve surpassed Expert level and am in Mastery level with a few insights to give. So this is my Top 10 Guide to Living with a Multitude of Boys, or rather My DON’TS.
- Flashing and streaking are an everyday occurrence. You will always have at least one younger child who is “Porky Pigging it”. Reasons range from it just being easier to go to the bathroom, they like the breeze, they want to moon you, or they want to moon their brother. DO NOT MAKE A FACE. If you do, this gives them more incentive to wag said unmentionables in front of you. Very closely. My husband still has not learned this key rule.
- Boys make noises. A LOT OF NOISES. I remember when I was younger and was watching my cousin play with an action figure. “Slam, Bap, Pow, AHHHHHHHHH, pshhh, Thunk, Ch-Ch-Ch.” The list goes on and on. I couldn’t understand how someone could spend all those minutes not making his action figure talk and still be having fun. Now I get it. Everything makes a noise. Cars, Lego, cups, books, and especially Superheroes. DO NOT ALLOW ANYTHING IN CHURCH UNLESS YOU WANT IT TO MAKE NOISE. I allowed a Skylander in this past Sunday and kept telling him he had to be quiet. My son was not saying anything, but rather Kshhing the toy around. That was all my fault, I know better.
- Boundless energy. I look longingly at the little girls who will sit quietly and color, who comb their doll’s hair for a while, who choose to do a craft or fine motor skill over running screaming outside banging into each other and laughing. DO NOT THINK YOU CAN LIVE LIFE WITHOUT A TRAMPOLINE. It is your lifesaver, your key to relaxation, and without it you will hear nothing but “Can we go to the park?” Even an indoor one will buy you some time.
- They are endless eating machines. Really. The minute they get up from the table they’re asking for a snack. My third can put away 3 bananas if we let him and still have room for applesauce, peanut butter, and some cookies. Maybe that’s where the energy comes from? DO NOT LIMIT THE FRUIT THINKING IT WILL SAVE YOU MONEY. It just means they will then eat more cookies or meat and load up on snacks like gummies and popsicles. Or maybe that was just at my parents’ house.
- Sticks are their favorite toy. You might have upteen cars, action figures, lego, blocks, video games, rescue bots, pirates, TNMT toys, and an occasional Frozen figurine but the minute they get outside (and they will ask repeatedly every day, see #3) the sticks will be found and used. Even if there’s not a tree to be seen, they will be found. And the cool thing is they become anything. Swords, guns, shields, walking staff, mustache, it really doesn’t matter. DO NOT LET THE STICKS IN THE HOUSE. They then become weapons, and weapons only and you’ll have to confiscate them 2 minutes after they come in.
- Boys do not think before they act. DO NOT ASK THEM WHAT THEY WERE THINKING THEY WON’T KNOW THE ANSWER. Most of the time I’ll ask the question without thinking myself. I see a shrug, an “I Don’t Know” follows, and then they explain that they knew the sink would overflow but they wanted to see what would happen when it did. They are way more concerned about the Effect than if they SHOULD actually do it or not. “Why are you dangling on the stairs? Get down!” Really, they don’t know, they just want to do it.
- For some reason, young and old, boys like potty humor. It’s a good thing I think some of those things are funny but after your tenth Knock Knock Joke that ends in poop, fart, or booger the bloom is off that rose. DO NOT TRY TO STEER AWAY FROM IT. Embrace their grossness. They’ll think you’re cool and that you find them hilarious. And being uptight about it only serves to alienate you from them. If you’re the mom to only boys, you kind of want to blend in a little, as if you were watching gorillas in their habitat.
- Boys smell. Even the little ones. I don’t know where it comes from. Their feet, hands, hair, clothes, and especially their underwear STINKS. I will never be able to embrace this. Brushing of the teeth, daily baths, and daily clothes washing is to of no avail. I can’t imagine teenage years. DO NOT TAKE DEEP BREATHS IN THEIR BATHROOM. We recently moved and my boys now have their own bathroom. I can’t tell you the feeling when you get to walk in and not let out an angry breath of frustration. And if I don’t have to see it every couple of hours the mess and smell don’t exist, right?
- Nerf gun bullets hurt. DO NOT BUY THE MEGA BULLETS. I have war wounds from our fights with them. And if you do play with a Nerf gun make sure you have one with a clip. Cause you don’t want to be bending over searching for bullets as they round the corner.
- Because they’re so crazy, so jacked up all the time, their professions of love are so much sweeter. Whenever I wear a dress my third has to tell me I’m “a princess”. My second loves to give me kisses on the cheek and whisper in my ear that he loves me. Only whispers, saying it isn’t special and he won’t do it willingly, but whispers…that’s where it’s at. My oldest secretly likes to be cuddled and tickled, just don’t tell him I said that out loud. And my fourth won’t let anyone hold him for a long time, he’s got to be near Mom. Each and every time my heart swells in my chest and I tear up. DO NOT LET THESE MOMENTS GO BY WITHOUT WRITING THEM DOWN FOR REMEMBRANCE. I can’t remember how my eldest was a few years ago with his ‘sweet times’ and I’m kicking myself for not keeping a journal. You will cherish these times so don’t let them slip away.
Love this. I have 2 she-critters, and am pregnant with She-Critter # 3. For the record, 1-2-3-6-7 apply in our house, as well. She-Critter, the younger, loves to streak after her bath and finds great delight in running away, and also enjoys removing her diaper at inopportune times. I was explaining to my OB, who has 4 boys, about the drama I experience every morning regarding hair. He couldn’t comprehend what causes such emotional turmoil for a 4 yr old girl.
Oh, yes! I first had 3 boys who were/are quite rambunctious. Then I had 2 girls, and they are not quite as rambunctious. BUT the drama, oh, the drama. Wow. I just wasn’t ready for that, and we haven’t even hit puberty.